So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
