My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
