You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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