This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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