how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
