my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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