She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
