My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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