I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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