just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We were destined to go to rehab together
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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