I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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