I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
