so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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