make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
