Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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