I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
