Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
