Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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