please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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