OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
