just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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