DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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