I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
