life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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