At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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