I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
