dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
