She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
