Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
