This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
