Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We were destined to go to rehab together
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
