I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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