he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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