It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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