On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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