my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
