Already got asked if we're dating
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
