mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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