Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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