he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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