: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
