so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize