My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
third nipple confirmed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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