My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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