Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
