why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
