who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
