All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
