I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
