I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I did not marry a roomba.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
