Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
