hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
