The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
