he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
