You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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