the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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